A Thing About Yogyakarta, 2024

Today, the tenth day of the year, I found myself laying in my bed when I finally realized that I should put into words the feelings I have been buried with all this time. I got a work-from-home day today, and it truly is a blessing. I closed all the work-tabs I should finish, and now, at 4.22 pm, I found myself listening to Stacey Ryan’s Fall In Love Alone in my favorite part of my flat - the aesthetic desk that is located just as perfect as the window staring at the blue sky outside. Last night, I tried to write a thing or two, using the google docs’ essay template. I started to write what I called ‘You, Memories’ - sounds cringe though, but I think I might use some of its parts in this writing. Hopefully, just hopefully, I can finally finish this writing and finally post it on my old-dusty-blog. 

It has been a year and a half since that day. If I could define the state of emotion I am in right now, I am actually okay. I am very grateful for all the things that is currently happening to me - the abundant of blessings, starting from my supportive family and friends, my job which is currently fine after a roller-coaster months we had last year, and a thing that excites me the most this year - pursuing a Master’s degree in my dream campus, dream city and country with a fully-funded scholarship I have been purposely fighting for tirelessly last year. I am so grateful right now for God’s unstoppable grace towards me, and I am now in a process to be a better version of myself for others as my form of thankfulness to God’s blessings. 

A lot of things, indeed, have happened since that day. I actually wrote you many ‘letters’ in my notes, mostly containing my life updates - all of them are not finished whilst most of them are left hanging in the opening paragraphs. I do not understand, though, why I have never finished all those writings, not even writing the main part of what I have been wanting to express. But if I may speculate what might happen within me, there may be two main possibilities: 1) I am still in denial, or 2) I am not ready to spill all the feelings I have been buried with all this time. Well, not sure what will happen this time, but let’s start.

Few days ago, during my days-off, I decided to go to Yogyakarta to meet some of my old friends. Going back to the place where it all started was actually never easy. Sometimes, the song that cringes just somehow plays in my head as I took a one hour train to the city I belonged to five years ago. The song titled Yogyakarta by Kla Project, it somehow reminds me of you, of us.

‘Pulang ke kotamu, ada setangkup haru dalam rindu,

Masih seperti dulu, tiap sudut menyapaku bersahabat,

Penuh selaksa makna.’

It was your city, but you are not there. The thing about Yogyakarta is that every corner is endearing. Living almost 3,5 years in the city, I do not think it is truly an exaggeration if I admire romanticizing this city. Mention a place, then I could vividly remember the exact moment and feeling I used to experience in that occasion - the moment I hit a car in Bundaran UGM, the windy day I did a group-work in Selasar Barat (Selbar) Fisipol, a beautiful sunset I witnessed after eating Babi Bali at Bu Kadek that located less than two kilometers from your place in Maguwo, or even the happy laughs I had when I dropped the guava juice you bought for me in a new food court in Gejayan that time called Tik Tok - which later on, became the day you put your feelings into words. Can not lie, but it was still one of the best days in my life. 

‘Terhanyut aku akan nostalgi,

Saat kita sering luangkan waktu,

Nikmati bersama suasana Jogja.’

The first time I came back to Jogja after that day was December last year. Well, September if it is counted, because I passed by Tugu Station as I came back to my hometown. In September, I was still in pain and apparently passed by Tugu Station and saw some corners around Malioboro somehow reminded me of you - of us, truly, on my very last date with you in Jogja when we strolled around Malioboro. I remember it was around June, we were both graduated already and we both kept on seeing each other alternately - whether I visited Jogja or you came to Solo just for us to meet each other. That June, the last day we dated in Jogja, I remember I cried to you expressing my doubts on whether I should take the job opportunity I got offered in Jakarta. The way you hugged me and grabbed my hands were still vividly recalled within me. You said that you were going to be there for me, for I should not be worried about taking that opportunity. You said you were going to be there, you promised. 

‘Musisi jalanan mulai beraksi,

Seiring laraku kehilanganmu,

Merintih sendiri ditelan deru kotamu.’

And then, that day happened. 

That day, the day it all ended, it was like my whole world ended. 

It was my first day coming to Jakarta, where I truly had nowhere to go. As you promised that you were going to be there, I counted on those words. Maybe, just maybe, it was my fault for counting on that promise.

I despised the feeling where I went back to the days I had to go through it all by myself. And I hated to make you, if by any chance you are willing to read this writing, feel guilty for the things that happened. But if I could describe those feelings into words, on those days I felt like I truly had nowhere to go. I felt lost, worthless, and most of the time I blamed myself for what happened. 

Crying would be an understatement. I had never felt losing someone that miserable, and then it happened just like that. It was the worst feeling ever, particularly after all the happy feelings and abundant blessings God gave me the past few months before that day happened. Some days, I cried over the songs played on the office’s TV, particularly Tulus’ Hati-Hati di Jalan that was quite popular at that time. That song resonated perfectly with my feelings during my first days at work. I was still in denial, just like Tulus said, ‘Kukira kita akan bersama, begitu banyak yang sama latarku dan latarmu. Kukira takkan ada kendala, kukira kan mudah kau aku jadi kita.’ I remember once I decided to cry over that song in my office’s restroom because I could not really explain what I felt during those days with my friends at work since we just knew each other. 

The other days, I blamed myself so many times for what happened between us. I kept on wondering ‘what ifs’: What if I did not force you to explain your feelings to me that day? What if I was becoming more understanding of your state of emotion that day? What if I did not rant about my own problems with you? And, for better or worse, I kept on wondering what if I did not apply for that exchange program that day - so that I should not have to go to the Netherlands just three months after we declared ourselves in a relationship? Now, just as I wrote these questions now, the guilt is apparently still there. 

Now, as I look back, I wonder how I could have survived those feelings and the blue days I had to experience by myself during my first days in Jakarta - and truly, it was my first time working in a strange place that I had no familiarity with at all before. 

After you, my love lives were quite weird, I could say. Once I went on, just say it, a date with someone - and I was at my most vulnerable that time. He came just like that and apparently being with him has helped me forget all those feelings for sometimes. It was nothing serious at first, but then apparently the feeling was growing. I hated to talk about this, but in the end it did not work as well. We are not even in a relationship, ever. 

There are many reasons why things did not work out, right? But I was ever on the place where I put it all on me. It was me that failed my love lives - my first relationship, and then you, and lastly with this guy I will meet this September as I (somehow) managed to go to the same university as him for my master’s. All these three, all of them, decided to break up with me (well, the last one was not truly breaking up, though). So, it was all me, a-stupid-in-love-me, a-never-enough-me, a-not-worth-loving-me. Well, it truly sounded so pathetic, but there comes the day I felt like that.

Well, if I could make it sound a little bit better, some random guys were also trying to ask me for a date. Once I said yes and it went so awkward then I decided not to say yes to just a random person - as I was actually hard to be in love with someone that I do not know. 

After things did not work out with the last one, I realized that I was actually just running from something that is not finished within me. Well, may sound wrong if I say I am not truly finished, or moving on, from you. 

I think I am not finished with what happened between us.

‘Walau kini kau tlah tiada kan kembali,

Namun kotamu hadirkan senyummu abadi,

Ijinkan aku untuk slalu pulang lagi,

Bila hati mulai sepi tanpa terobati.’

It is already late at night, 11.11 PM exactly. Some did say that if you see the clock and it shows a twin number, just like 11.11 for example, it means that a person who starts their name with the eleventh alphabet is currently missing you. This is quite random but for sometimes I see 01.01 though, and somehow I still connect all the dots, hoping it would be you who misses me that moment.

Anyway, now I know the reason why I want to start this writing at the very first place. I have been meaning to get over you through all things and means I did these past years. It had happened before though, I know you know, I told you this story of mine with my previous ex as well - that it took me quite long to move on and to start believing again before I start with you. It took so long because I have to regain the confidence I had with me and stop doubting myself again - I know you know, and well you promised me not to do things he did back then with me. But anyway, things happened, promises broken, but I am currently learning to accept things. 

And the paramount part of accepting is to make peace with you - but most importantly, with my memories and ideas of you.

You are the person I could truly count on, the one who understood me the most - my sense of humor, my jokes, my music and songs that I adore, the weird languages I spoke, the funny and cute WhatsApp stickers I sent, my hugs, my holding hands, and basically everything. You captured every core memories that I would never be able to forget - the evening motorbike ride to a beautiful hidden beach called Ngetun Beach in Gunung Kidul; the sunsets we saw in Kulon Progo, Maguwo, or Tugu; the culinary nights we had in Siomay Telkom, Babi Bu Kadek, Bakmi Pak Pele, and other Jogja’s cuisines; the fun jogging days in Wisdom Park or the beautiful Waduk you showed me in Caturtunggal; the nights you asked me to go for a thirty minutes motorbike ride to Ganjuran; the random day you somehow managed to buy me new guitar strings just a day after you heard it broken on our late night phone call; the netflix via Zoom sessions we had watching Kotaro and the one we had watched together after we broke up; the days you sent me a voice note of you singing me my favorite song, Andra & The Backbone’s Tak Ada Yang Bisa; well, basically everything. 

You are truly everything - were, you were truly everything. 

But it was were, and as I realize, the ‘were’ means everything. ‘Were’ means that it was all in the past. And ‘were’ could also mean that it was never you - meaning as the ideas I wanted or desired but are not possible. Basically the things I hope could be you, the idea of you, my idea of you. The most fundamental thing that I should be aware of since the very first time; the things that possibly disappointed me; things that made me wonder how and why. Maybe you, as I imagine you could be, were never really you.

It is the eleventh day of the year now. I currently sit in the city’s public library, listening to some sad songs in the midst of the hard rain that forced me to be inside this cold building. Apparently, writing these words takes me almost three days to finish. But I am relieved that I could finally express all the feelings I have been buried all this time - all the throwbacks, the memories, the what ifs, and the pages I was doubting to open. Last year’s Christmas, I decided to greet you a Merry Christmas after a few months of not greeting each other.  I somehow do enjoy reminiscing our memories together each time something that reminds me of you pops up in my mind. My spotify playlist for you with your picture as the cover is still there. Our pictures together are never really erased from my laptop and some are still there on my phone. I still like to talk about you with my friends, most of the time ending up with them saying things like ‘Kelingan Sing Biyen-Biyen’ - meaning that I failed to move on from you. Worry not, never have I ever truly said something bad about you - in fact, I like to talk about how you made me happy just like your jokes and your random pops up to my flat giving me fish as my birthday’s present. I like the way you are you, my idea of you, that I voluntarily and happily kept in mind. 

It would be unfair to say that I am not moving on from you yet. Well maybe, some part of me does miss you, but the other part of me says that I think I now understand why it all happens. I try to accept the reasons we didn’t work, and apparently, along with me writing these words the past three days has helped me to understand - to understand that we are not meant to be together. 

And apparently, knowing this fact and bluntly writing those words help me to accept, and apparently, it is okay. It is okay that we did not work.

Leaning towards the desk as I re-read the words I have written, I am now super relieved. I am relieved that apparently Yogyakarta, 2024 does remind me a lot about you - and it helps me understand that what is over between us is okay. It is over, but the memories are still there, and it is okay. 

I thank you for giving me the best lesson learned ever: that apparently, it is okay, everything is okay, and I am okay.