Is It A Sin?

                I’m not good at making metaphores, I’m only good at saying things I do really feel.

                I’m not good at being an actrees or those acting-like person, I’m only good at hiding feeling.

                And I will not try to.

                Adapting is something that you couldn’t avoid when you have new surroundings, new friends, new people, or even new class. I’m not saying that I’m good at adapting with new things, the fact is that I always feel nervous everytime I face people I’m not intended to.

                “Well it’s just a beginning,” I thought. I don’t think that I have to explain it clearly about how we met. But the thing is that I met you.

                I’d seen you several time on some occasions. And yes, I’d never thought that in the end I would know you. To be honest, yes, I admire you. Seeing you for few times was suceeded to make me admire your looking.

                I’d experienced such thing like this also – it was like a year ago. Same thing, different person. Started only by admiring from distance – I even hate that words lol. It’s just like the normal girl who are fangirling when seeing her idol or such thing like that. I, I never thought that in the end the thing like this could be so real. The difference is that what I found in past could be happened, it could be something real. And it is, it is real. And that’s why I’m asking, is it a sin?

                I can talk to no one about this, you more over. The first time we introduced ourselves, it shocked me to death that you already knew me. You even stalked me, didn’t you? I’m not going to make a lot of scenarios that I haven’t sure yet, but how could you follow me if you didn’t know me? Who told you about me? Or did I that mysterious until you were curious and try to figure out who am I?

                Time flew. I know that was strange. Walking by, seeing you in front of me, trying to talk to you were something I was afraid to do in the past. It was weird, it was awkward, and that was why I never tried to get in touch with you. But yes, it was something I expected to happen. I wanted to know who you are, and I wanted to know is this something that can be real later? I knew, I did nothing, I never tried to, I was shy. I was afraid that you would think that I was a very ridicolous girl – a girl you never expected to be close with. I tried to figure out, what kind of feeling that made me being a girl like that since I was a very easy going person and easy to be close with people? What was happening to me?

                Yes, it was also ever happened to me – a year ago. Same thing, different person. Started with a very weird conversation and ended like this. But the difference is that what I found in past could be hapened, it could be something for real. And it is, it is real. And that’s why I’m asking, is it a sin?

                I tried to forget those kind of feeling. I know it doesn’t feel right. I know it is not a right thing to do. I know I shouldn’t have felt those feeling if I’m already sure with what I have right now. But then, you came – again – and trying to know me even more. Well, I didn’t know what was exactly you wanted to do, but at least it was that in my point of view. You did what I wanted to do, and yeah, it was so nice. It was very good, and I couldn’t avoid it. You tried to know me more, trying to talk to me, talking about random things, talking about school, life, everything. Even only for few minutes, believe me, I can’t help but smiling everytime I suceeded to have a talk with you. It was great that you tell me a lot of stories about yourself, it made me feel like I’m special, I’m someone who are good to have a chat with. You told me vary of stories, and I love that – oh wait, I think I’m gonna go with like. I like that. I like it when you made jokes about yourself, about school, about life, it feels right. It made me think that every single minute is important when I’m with you – Oh God, it’s not right. It’s a fault. It’s a fault. I shouldn’t have said that.

                I’ve ever experienced similar thing like this – it was like a year ago. It was right, it was good, it was great especially it was my first time. Right now, I’m missing it. I think I’m thirsty of that kind of feeling. And that’s why I like it. But I already have something real, it is real. So, is it a sin?

                Everytime we met, something more and more happened. I don’t know what do you exactly feel about me, but you have to know that I’ve been thinking about you. And even, I dreamt of you. God, I know it is a mistake, but how? How can I fix it? Trying to approach me was something I’ve never thought can happen to us. I don’t know how do you think about this, but why did you send me those messages if you weren’t interested in me? Why did you even care whether I was going to come or not if you weren’t interested in me? And why did you even talk about me with your friend if you weren’t interested in me? Is it something normal that a boy ever did to a girl? Or is it something more? I can’t help but curious to know that.

                I’ve experienced a thing like this – it was like a year ago. It felt right because back then I knew it could be something for real – even though I’ve been hurt for several times, even though I fell for few times – I fought for it, because I knew that it could be something for real. But now I don’t know whether it’s going to be happened or not – and actually I’m not going to fight for it yet, because I know it is not a right thing to do. That’s why I’m asking you again, tell me, is it a sin?

                Too many mistakes that won’t make us one. Well, I shouldn’t have called it “mistake” but I think it is more like “fate”.  We’re different, and even we’re not different, I’ve already had him. I know, that’s why I feel like this is a mistake. My feeling about you is a mistake, even though I like it, I enjoy it, and I think I’m on my way to love it.

                I don’t know exactly whether you feel the same way about me or not. Even if it’s yes, I don’t why you do – I’m not interesting, not a kind of girl boys can easily adore by her blink of eyes, not that popular girl who has a lot of fans and so on, not that good and smart, and of course, not as good as I think about you. I’m not trying to make you uninterested with me, but that’s who I am.

                And if it’s not, I think you’re obliged to explain to me what did those things I explained above mean to you. You are obliged to proof if those things are normal, that you also did those things to other girls. You are also obliged to say that you’re not, you’re not interested with me, at all.

                And if it’s not, just don’t. Just say yes. Although it may not work. But I just wish that you are. I know it sounds very egoistic, and very ambitious, and too confident for me too say those things, and I’m sorry about that.

                I just hope that you’ll never see this writing. I just hope that you won’t. Because I’m afraid that it will make us awkward. I don’t want us to be strangers, I just want it to be like this. As sweet as this, as special as this, even though I know it couldn’t be something for real in the future. But please, just be like this, don’t ever change. Please.

                And this question is for you, my friend, please tell me.

                Is it a sin?