Apeirophobia?

"Apeirophobia is a fear of infinity or eternity." - Wikipedia.

I remember I was only an elementary school student at that time. I went to Yogyakarta with my big family, and it felt like a long journey. It was on the traffic roundabout when suddenly I felt a bizzare thing. I didn't know exactly why, I didn't know exactly how, but it just happened to me. I was looking at my car's window at that time. Thinking about one question I never thought : 

When will the world end?

I remember the sweat running through my face. My chest was crowded, it was like having an asthma. I felt so dizzy because I found myself arguing in my own brain. I keep on thinking and thinking. I was scared, I was terrified, I was afraid, and I didn't know exactly why. 

When will the world end? When will everything is going to end? Will it recur over and over and it will never end?

Oh my God. Even right now, I remember how it felt in that time. I even cried and ask my parents, and another family member thought that I was in trance. They asked me to pray because I was asking those kind of questions to them. I thought they didn't understand.

It was few few years ago, before it appeared again.

As you all now, I'm a 12th grader. I have a lot of thing and charge to burden. I have to do my best, to fight so hard, and to choose which one is the best for me - for my future. It ain't easy. In fact, it was so damn hard. I feel so tired easily nowadays, and I have a lot of activities to do. It was so tiring, to be honest. The most tiring part of my life til right now.

But then, I don't know exactly why, this fearness comes again to me. And it's getting severe. 

What will happen after life? They said that we will never die because we will live forever, in eternity, happily ever after. How if  suddenly I will bored? How if I will tired? Is it really never going to end? Is time actually a never end condition that I have to face? Is it really happening? 

Damn it. It scares me to death nowadays. Almost everyday. And it can happen everytime - when I listen to my teacher at school, when I take a bath, when I eat, but mostly, it happens everytime I go home - when I look into the crowds on the street, when the sky is turning red, and when I feel so tired after experiencing a kind of full day class at school. 

It scares me.

It scares me to death.

I tried to talk about my fearness years before this to my parents. But they don't understand what I mean. And actually, back then it was not as severe as what I feel right now. And yeah, I'm kind of shy to tell about my fearness to anyone because I was sure that people will think that it is weird and so unimportant. So, it is okay for me, even it's not hard to forget about what I think, because it matters a lot to me, a lot. 

But since I'm being a 12th grader, I don't know why but this is getting scarier for me. I finally talked to my parents again, I hoped they can help me. It was hard for the first time. but then I explained it slowly to my parents, until I cried so hard, until I felt like I was going to faint. I don't know how it could be like that, but I'm so grateful that my parents finally understand. 

Yeah, it is not important I know. Even I tried to talk to my friends, and they wondered how could I think so far like that.They don't even understand why I'm afraid of that (in this case they've already understood my fearness). And, yeah, even some of them don't think that it is a serious problem and thinking that it is a joke. I personally get it why, but yeah, sometimes it just tears me down that they don't try to listen.

I remember one of my friend asked me in a morning, just a moment after I arrived at school, "Are you okay? Your face showed like you're stressed out." Yeah, this is that bad until my surroundings recognize that I change. Some of my friends even said that I changed, as far as they see me on a chat group and I never appear - and yes, it's mostly because I'm already tired with my thoughts, my heavy thoughts.

My father told me one day, and I agree with it, that it is the matter of my faith. Because yes, in my religion, we believe that we will have an eternal life after death, we will reborn because He saves us. So when I'm doubting and even scared of the thing that should be my goal - to live happily in heaven later - it means that devil is already succeded to make me doubting God. Whereas, - it doesn't mean that I want to rejoice myself - I'm so diligent to go to the church, I pray everyday, everynight, everytime I want to eat - both before and after, and I always wake up in the middle of the night everytime I forget to pray. So that's why I don't understand why I experience this kind of thing.

But then I realized.

I realized that devil will feel happier if it successes to make God's followers unbelieve Him. Since that, I'm kinda relieved. Yeah maybe it's because of my faith, maybe it is.

A day or two days after that, I tried to talk to my closest friends, hoping that they will understand. It's also a kind of hard for them to comprehend what I mean, but after that they finally get it. I also said to them that my parents had already told me that maybe it was because of my belief. It was actually relieving having someone who understand, at least trying to listen, and even they broaden your view.

My friends said that maybe - despite of my faith - I have a phobia. But of course, this is the kind of phobia that people are so rarely to hear. Even me.

So I decided to search on the internet. I remember I typed Phobia of Living Forever. And the first link appeared was "Apeirophobia". I read the article and trying to correlate what I felt with what was written there. It was written that people who usually suffer from apeirophobia were people who like to have their future plan organized as soon as possible. Usually they're also the disciple of certain religion (who mostly believe on life after death), and people who usually suffer this were kids. So I can conclude that what I fit with the characteristics written there.

Well actually in this post I don't want to explain to you the detail concern about apeirophobia. You can actually read it here.

I don't wish that you guys will fully understand about this phobia or my fearness, but the point I want to say today is that fearness is so scary. When people suffer from phobia, or even scared of something that you think odd and unimportant, it matters a lot to them. It haunts them to death and they are thinking of it everyday, that they are suffering and they need your help, that they are so damn terrified and it could make them stressed out, that they are so scared and they can't think about it with an open mind - because they feel like their thoughts are the truest one. That actually they don't want to think about it but it keeps on haunting them, and they don't actually seek for your attention...

... but because that it really matters to them. It matters, and they need your help.

I've read lot kinds of stories about people who's suffering from their problem. Although it wasn't exact the same thing with people who have phobia, actually what we feel is pretty the same. I'm still grateful because I still have surroundings who understand me and try to help me. But how if the person who suffers isn't that lucky a can't even think about what is right or not? How if this person can't control theirself and start to do unexpected thing?

I feel so damn lucky because what I feel isn't as bad as other people actually. But yeah, sometimes when this fearness appears suddenly, I just can't control my self - even it makes me forget to live my own life because I think too far. Yeah, I'm afraid that my fearness can make me unfocus, especially in this 12th grade I have to be focus to achieve what I want, and it needs a lot of energy and time, and it is tiring. My aunt told me that yeah, maybe it happens because right now in my life I already have a happy life, and I already get what I need, so I try to find another thing. Plus, when you're being a 12th grader there will be lots of temptation - maybe this is one of it, for me. But unexpectedly, it appears - again - just like that.

Until right now, I don't know what's the cure. I have a plan to talk to the pastor about my problem, I just have to find a right time - and I hope it helps me with my religious aspect, to make me being more faithful person. From the psychological aspect, I try to talk to my mom - she was studying psychology back then, and she helps a lot especially to calm me down. Someone recommends me to do a kind of hypnotist treatment, but I'm not sure whether I'm going to do it or not, but there's a possibility for me to try.

So guys, what I want to say is actually to always be there for people who need you is important. You may think that it is not impotant at all, but believe me, every little words you say to support them means a lot. Even though it may not help to cure the fearness itself, but it makes them feel that they are not alone. And it is important for them, really, it really is.

Okay so thank you for reading my blog! I know that I haven't written anything since I entered the 12th grade, but yeah, as you guys know, being a 12th grader is tough. It is tiring and also hard. But I just wish everything will be okay and will get better soon! I can't wait to hear your opinion or suggestion about my fearness, feel free to know your comment in the comment box. Thank you and God bless you xx