Elixir: [Track 1] Shadow Days
Track 1 : Shadow Days - John Mayer
Author: Brigitta Kalina | Editor : Maria Sekar
Logan Cleverly’s Point of View
"Did you know that you could be wrong and swear you're right,Some people been known to do it all their lives,But you find yourself alone just like you found yourself before,Like I found myself in pieces on the hotel floor."
“Logan?”
I tried to open my eyes as the lights were slowly shining up so bright. I was feeling unconscious.
“Logan? Hey, Man, wake up! What are you doing up here?”
“I… I...,” I was barely waking up, looking right to left and trying to comprehend what I just did. I saw Nick looking at me strangely. He picked up a small glass that was located just next to me. He sighed.
“You and your drink again? Seriously? You think a party this night won’t be enough for you?”
I remembered my eyes were fully opened when Nick said a party, “Wha… what? A party? What party?” I tried to stand up but it was so hard. My clothes were wet and the papers were scattered all around the table, some were wet, “Oh no no no!!! Shit!” I was immediately picking up those papers and blowing the wet parts that ruin the designs I had made the whole week, “Shit! This is for the XP Project tomorrow, I can’t present it to them like this!” That tragedy succeeded to wake me up, I was finally conscious.
“What are you doing right here?” I could see that Nick lost his temper a bit when he said that. I didn’t answer. I freezed looking at the papers—well, I mean the big project design that I was assigned to and would later be my life changing momentum if I successfully impress that big boss—that were slowly fading—the colors, the lines, and the whole design. I panicked, but on the other side I also surrendered knowing that I could do nothing to change that. I sat again on the chair and put my arms on the table, I remembered I felt a headache and sobbed a little.
“Hey, Man. What’s wrong?” Nick then sat on the couch that was located next to the table, “Are you fine?”
“I’m not fine, okay?” I yelled at him. There was silence minutes after that and I felt bad for Nick, “Uhm.. sorry, Nick, you know I didn’t mean to…”
“Hey, that’s fine,” said Nick, “I’m just worried, Man. What are you doing here?”
I… I couldn’t answer that question. It was quite bizarre—sleeping on the empty and dark third floor with a drink set up next to me and then I woke up high. What kind of fool who tried to work on his papers here? Only some broken tables and an old couch were available. Honestly, I didn’t even remember how I ended up here. The only thing I remembered was only taking my papers and the drawing kits I needed for the designs, it was 5 PM and I felt like going home, but… how did I end up here? I didn’t know either.
“You know what? You should stop your drinking shit. This ain’t good, Man,” he said, “I am worried about you, you know. You’ve been drinking a lot since you were assigned to this project. I know you want it so bad to be successful but… this is not the way.”
“I… I don’t know how I ended up here,” I said slowly while trying to comprehend all the things that happened, “I didn’t feel like drinking, honestly.”
“But you look like… high, Logan,” Nick tried to convince me, “The staff at the second floor saw you walking up here and they heard you throwing some things... several times. That’s why I end up here.” Then he stared at my kits that were thrown on the other side of the room. Thank God those were not broken.
“Wha… what?” I didn’t believe what he said, as far as I knew I was on my way home.
“You’re drunk, Logan. You should stop drinking,” he stopped for a while, “I thought you already finished your design this morning, then what are you gonna do with this?” He grabbed one paper which I had finished designing.
“It’s…” I sighed, “It’s not perfect.” Then I started to remember things I did before this. Yes, I took those papers and drawing kits I needed, and then I saw a tequila was waiting for me right there on my desk and I started drinking, one shot… two shots… three… and yes, maybe that was why these happened. I remembered I was not satisfied with the work I had done these past weeks for this project—the big one—and that I needed to do something about it. So I decided to look for some fresh air after work but… yes, I ended up here, unconsciously.
“Logan, I… I don’t understand you,” he looked at my design and shook his head, “this is perfect. They will obviously say yes to this–the backyard, the glass partition, the kitchen with the open air, it suits their request. What are you expecting?”
I couldn’t answer that. I was thinking for a while and said, “It’s just… not enough.”
Nick laughed, “Logan, Logan, Logan… you and your perfectionist stuff. I just don’t get it. Chill!” He grabbed my arms and said, “You gotta go to the party downstairs and relax.”
“Wha… what party?” I asked and saw my watch. Oh God, it was 8 PM already and my work was a mess.
“The company party, you don’t remember that?” I shook my head and he said, “Logan, you must be really high. Come on! Let’s go downstairs, put your work aside for a while and get yourself a proper drink, not a drink that makes you high.” I couldn’t resist that since Nick had taken all the design stuffs from the table and went downstairs. I breathed and decided to follow him afterwards.
The second floor was crowded. I think all the staff in this office were there, even those whose rooms were at the second building. I didn’t recognize them all and was honestly not in a mood for socializing with new people. XDesign is the coolest company, I think, because they always hold a summer company party to welcome the juniors to this office. This aims to introduce the newbies to the whole office and basically to start the summer break too (that only lasts for a week). Last year when I was a newbie, I was excited meeting new people at this party–well probably because I had to. And talking about now… there I was, drunk and going to sober up anytime soon.
I was just following Nick to where he was going, and it turned out to be on the open bar. Nick put my design on the bar’s table and said, “You stay here.” Then he talked to the bartender, "Get him a hot chocolate only.” The bartender looked at him, and then me, strangely, “No, he had already drunk and high. Time to sober up,” Nick clarified it for me, “You’re welcome,” he smiled at me and then left. Well, I guess he set me up, but yeah, it was for my own sake. I was relieved that no one sat there because like what I said, I was not in a mood to socialize with people right now.
“One hot chocolate for a sober man,” the bartender said it to me and laughed a little. I felt like he was mocking me, but again, I didn’t have energy for that.
It had been a year since I left New York and things had changed since then. Getting my master degree in summer, I decided to move to California afterwards, trying to live my Silicon-Valley-kind-of-dream. I was quite lucky to be accepted into a high-end design company called XDesign which was basically every architects’ dream. XDesign is located in Silicon Valley, yes the home of the world’s biggest technology companies. Its approach to both design and technology makes XDesign become one of the biggest design companies in the US. Not only that I met breathtaking people from top universities all around the world, but also I experienced things I had never been before—amenities. Talking about the details would take us one coffee session or two—too many astonishing things and experiences there. What I’m doing here is totally great after all.
It is nice knowing that you’re living a dream you’ve always dreamt of. It is such a wonderful life I live in. But, somehow, in a way, it feels like there’s something missing and I don’t know what it is. Everything seems more than enough for me, but it actually doesn’t. Since she, Alicia, left that day, I wondered what I did wrong. I’m quite sure you understand how Alicia saved me from the past heartbreak and how it meant to me. But, she left me with thousands of questions I would never be able to answer. She left me hanging by not telling me why. I thought I was enough by trying to understand her and her dreams. I thought I was enough by always being there for her when she needed me. I thought I was enough by trying to take care of her. I thought I was being a kind of boyfriend anyone could ever ask, but I wasn’t. I was not—and I will never be—enough. It’s not about that I’m not moving on, but it’s all about me and my realization of the word enough.
Sadly, it, the past experience, affected not only on how I perceive love but also on how I see things that I am doing—it seems enough yet it never satisfies me. It left scars on me, perhaps, and that I have some kind of trauma for not being able to satisfy anyone anymore. This one year in XDesign was a blessing, but honestly I am also terrified. It’s neither the environment nor the work itself, but it’s because of me and the pressure I give to myself. I’d been struggling so hard to impress my colleagues and the clients for the hard work I’d given to any projects that I worked on. Especially this project, XP Project—it’s worth enough to drive me crazy. These past few weeks I’d been struggling so hard to brainstorm the ideas. I’d been coming up with incredible ideas, but, once again, none really satisfied me, until right now. At least that was what made me end up here, in the open bar and looked so helpless. This hot chocolate? It only made me look so miserable. But honestly, at least until now, I don’t care.
“They serve hot chocolate here?” A girl beside me asked. I didn't realize that she was here. I was too busy daydreaming.
She looked at me for a while. I was surprised because I thought the question was not for me, “Umm… well, I don’t know…” I was pretty sure that I looked so nervous answering that, I didn’t exactly understand what she asked, “Hahaha… sorry? I was not listening.”
“I asked whether this open bar serves hot chocolate… hahaha no big deal,” she answered. I didn’t know how to answer that, of course it would be weird to explain what I was going through to a stranger—that I was drunk and my friend pulled me over here and ordered me this hot chocolate when I didn’t exactly know what was served on this open bar.
“He needs to sober up, and yes we serve hot chocolate here even though it sounds so weird,” that bartender answered knowing that it took awhile for me to answer that question.
I was being so awkward and said, “Hahaha… I guess right now you know why.” I laughed a little, so did she.
“Hahaha… I get it right now.” Then she demanded the bartender, “One americano, please?” The bartender nodded and left us two for making an americano for her. It was totally awkward. There was silence for a while and I slurped the hot chocolate for several times, trying to make myself busy so I didn’t have to start a conversation.
“Hey… I didn’t mean to make this awkward, I didn’t know that…” she finally said something. Thank God because I’m not good at starting conversation.
“That’s fine. I just… I just didn’t realize that you’re here, honestly,” I was laughing then.
“And now I get it why… don’t mean to be rude but probably because you’re still a bit drunk?” she said.
“Well…” I laughed then, trying to be nice, “I was having a rough day and didn’t exactly realize what I was doing. I didn’t feel like drinking, honestly, but… here I am.”
“It must be a few glasses, right,” she also laughed, “I mean… you don’t even realize you did it. It’s either you didn’t or you were drinking high.” I just smiled while shaking my head.
“Oh, sorry I didn’t mean to be rude, seriously…” she looked sorry.
“Hey, that’s totally fine,” I said while finally trying to look at her for a moment, “I… I think you’re right.”
“Umm… at which point?”
“Well… indirectly, I think? Today was tough and then I was confused on what I should do and yes I think it’s a convincing motive why I drank a few glasses today,” I answered.
“Mmhmm… and it’s not a wrong decision either, I think,” she said.
I didn’t understand what she was saying, “What do you mean?”
“I think it’s normal if a person needs an escape from what he was going through—well, I don’t know what exactly you’re going through but… it’s okay,” she said, “I mean your decision to drink… it’s fine, I’m not judging.”
“Well actually I’d been drinking a lot these days because of a project I should handle,” I said to her, “and I don’t think that it’s good for me… I mean for my body?”
She just smiled afterwards and she saw the paper rolls in front of me. Yes, that design project, “It’s because of… that?” she pointed to the paper rolls.
“Umm… yeah?” I answered while opening the rolls. I looked at my design for a while when she finally said, “May I?”
It was quite odd telling a stranger about your project, especially this one, when I was feeling unsatisfied with my work itself. This lady asked a lot, I thought, but then I nodded. I didn’t know exactly why I gave her the permission, I guess I was just trying to be nice.
She took a look at my design in detail. She brought the paper closer to her several times, maybe to see it clearer. I didn’t say a word for a while but, “Yes, it seems empty over there, I understand, and that’s why I want to add…”
“I think this one is… perfect,” she interrupted me.
“Wait wait wait… first, why are you here and second, why did you say so?” I asked and laughed a little.
“Well… I’m in interior design—still on probation, though. So that’s why I’m here right now,” she laughed, “And second, I said so because I am an interior designer. In our perspective, this space that you said empty is not a big deal because that’s where we do our work, to fill the empty space and make it lively. You did your part in your job so well.”
“Ohh…” I was silent for a while, thinking about the words she was saying and… she was right. I’d done my part and others had to do their part too. I didn’t have to do it all because we all had our own part. Maybe that was why I always thought that I wasn’t enough, it was because I always assumed that I had to do it all.
“Hello? Sorry… I’m just giving you my opinion, you know,” she said awkwardly, maybe because I didn’t say a word after she said her opinion.
“Oh… no no! Well… I’m just thinking about your words and anyway… you’re right. I just have to do my part. Why bother thinking about everything, right?” I said.
“Um… if you’re thinking that I underestimated your work, you got me wrong, you know. I mean, this one looks so great. I don’t understand the point you worried at,” she answered.
“Yes, you’re right,” I saw my design once again and smiled. Finally, I feel like it was enough. I smiled and laughed, “But yeah you know… this wet part. This is stupid.”
She laughed, “Hahaha what did you do? Did you spill your drink over here?”
“Unfortunately yes.... That’s what a drunk-man does,” I laughed once again. Finally, after a while in my life, I can finally laugh at a silly thing I did, “I hope it will dry soon because I have to present it tomorrow.” We both laughed.
“Your americano,” the bartender finally handed her the americano she ordered.
“I guess americano is better than just a hot chocolate,” she said to me and slurped her americano.
I smiled, this random conversation somehow made my day—at least it helped me to see things I worried about differently, even from the simplest thing she said.
“Anyway, I’m Logan,” I asked her for a handshake, “I’m XDesign’s project architect.”
“Ohh, I see. I’m Alex,” she shook my hand after that, “nice to meet you.”
I said that I was not into socializing that day. But, somehow, she made me do that. It was unusual for me but… she was a nice person.
“Hey, Logan! You want to go home right now?” Nick said from afar and came to me after that.
“Yeah, sure. I have to prepare my presentation for tomorrow,” I said to him. I slurped my hot chocolate for the very last time and stood up.
“So, um … thank you,” I said to that girl, Alex, “see you later?”
She looked at me, smiling, “See you soon.” I smiled at her and left the open bar with Nick. He would drive me home because today I didn’t bring my car.
It was a nice conversation to be honest. I’d never really talked to strangers after Alicia, especially talking about my work and feelings like this. It was a short conversation but somehow so meaningful. She, the girl named Alex, had finally succeeded to view things differently. Maybe, the narration of not enough that hinder myself to be more relaxed happened because of me myself. Thank God I met her this night, she somehow made my day.
“Who was that girl?” Nick asked when we entered his car.
I smiled a little remembering how she helped me that day, “A new friend.”
"I'm a good man with a good heart, had a tough times, got a rough start,But I'm finally learn to let it go,Now I'm right here and I'm right now and I'm hoping,Knowing somehow that my shadow days are over now."
[Shadow Days - John Mayer]
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